Tired of longing and loneliness

 

Ever since childhood, I dreamed of a big family, so that, besides my mother, I had a brother or sister. Dad died early when I was 6 years old. I don't remember him at all. Mom got married four years later. How I wanted my mother to have a child. But my dream did not come true, and this marriage was short-lived. My stepfather was ill and died of a heart attack. We were again left alone with my mother. I was already in my second year of college and started dating a guy four years older than me. After graduating from college, we got married, a year later, a son was born, and two years later we divorced. Somehow it didn't work out. I never got married, especially my mother. We were engaged in raising a child. Now, when my son is already an adult (22 years old), I became especially lonely. We live together, my mother lives alone. Our whole family is three people. No relatives, no cousins, no aunts, no uncles, no one. The son does not meet with anyone and does not want, he hates children. And I would have been happy to babysit my grandchildren. And with this attitude, I doubt at all that they will ever be. I myself cannot meet with a man and start a family because of a previous illness. I am not allowed to have sex (it even happens). I tried to get to know each other on the site, immediately wrote that it was only friendship, without intimate relationships. But who needs it? So life goes on, and dreams remain dreams. Probably, the Lord wants us not to continue, otherwise how to explain this vicious circle of loneliness in our family? And why should I live at all? I see no point without a future.